Published December 23, 2005
Staring upon blank canvas
No acquaintance of pen and paper
Nor the will to create thus so
But solemn breath seeps through
Exhaling a perilous word
Of unkindly demise to go
A desperate thought
Manifesting within echoes
Of pensive memories does show
Accompanied by emotions
Shadowed in fabled lore
Of love lost long ago.
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Canary word: Present
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,587 Reviews
Hehe, not bad.
This line sounds a little bit awkward though: "Of unkindly demise to go" I don't know... it just seems a little nonsensical. Perhaps you can find another word that rhymes with "go?"
Great job on this one!
It's rich, full poem -- I think you should develop it / make it longer.
Bravo on the alliteration in the last line.
Write some more !
-Amice-
(uh-MEESE)
I liked the simple rhyme scheme, because its not forceful it gives the piece a nice flow.
I only have one critique. In the last line of the first stanza, 'thus so' seems to throw the piece off, the wording doesn't seem to work properly. As I know it goes with your rhyme scheme, I can't think of anything to put in its stead. I suggest finding something different to put there, or dumdown your language.
§Maat§
The rhyming part is very simple, but effective. I like the way complex verses were balanced with such a simple rhyming scheme. Nice imagery too.